Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
