My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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