sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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