I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My vagina is very pro this idea
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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