My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
