remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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