when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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