I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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