Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
