So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
