It's Friday. Sex?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have already put on my inside pants.
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