Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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