So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
