Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
