After last night, I could never be a politician.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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