Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
