He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
