I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
