so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
