if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
