On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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