another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize