a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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