Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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