we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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