Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
