My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
