The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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