what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
