I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
