I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
