I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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