I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
