Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize