she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He has the fingertips of a God
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize