I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We are all done wearing pants today
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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