I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
