Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
