fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize