So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
