I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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