I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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