im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
