GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
