Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
