Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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