it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
