i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
