I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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