you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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