my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
the raccoons are back...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
