My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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