new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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