finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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