is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
