I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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