i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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