I think I died a long time ago.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
