The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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